As some of you may know, I’ve been going through a medical nightmare lately. I suppose I should briefly explain what’s been going on so that I don’t get a gazillion messages asking me if I’m dying or whatever. Sooo…here’s the dealio:

In April of 2005, Lonnie and I were in our Ford Explorer traveling North up Main Street in Billings, Montana. The traffic light turned yellow far enough in advance for Lonnie to know that if he had attempted to make it through, he would have run a red light. In order to remain a law abiding citizen, he applied the breaks and we came to a stop at the red light. Before we even knew what the heck was going on, we heard a very loud horn blow and then Lonnie yelled something…I can’t recall what. I’m assuming it was something like, “Brace yourself!”…or something to that affect.

Well, the jackass who was driving a fully loaded cattle semi-truck behind us failed to pay attention and he nailed the ass-end of our vehicle. The driver of the truck attempted to drop the clutch and do whatever he could to keep from hitting us, but it didn’t work. As a matter of fact, the dropping of the clutch made matters worse. It caused the semi to hit us repeatedly. Kinda like a skipping hit…thump…thump…thump…until he finally stopped.

The end result was not pretty. Lucky for the driver of the semi, my kids were not in the vehicle at the time. Had they been in there, I would probably be in prison for murder right now. Lonnie and I ended up with some not-so-fun injuries, though. Both of us have herniated disks, bulging disks, degenerative disk disease…and I am lucky enough to have some pretty bad nerve damage as well. So yeah…we’re constantly in pain. We’ve been to countless doctors from Montana, Oregon, and now Washington for these issues. I am absolutely disgusted with the medical field. Truly disheartened, sickened, and utterly amazed at the lack of care we’ve gotten for our injuries.

This brings me to today…yesterday, and pretty much the past week. I’m not exactly sure what caused my injuries to flare up, but they have. I’m used to dealing with a steady amount of pain every single day. I’ve grown accustomed to it, really. I even have muscle loss, weakness, and numbness throughout my entire left arm and hand. This is due to the nerve damage. I’ve learned to compensate for these injuries in other ways. Although I’m left-handed and it’s my left arm/hand which is affected, I’ve done pretty well with learning to do things with my right arm and hand.

ANYWAY, back to why I’m even bothering to write this. I went to the ER last night due to the fact that I’m in immense pain and cannot hold any food or liquid down for the past two days. The pain is so intense that it’s causing me to be nauseated constantly. I’m even taking Phenergan for the nausea, but it’s not working. It got to the point where I couldn’t sit up without being in excruciating pain and laying down wasn’t any relief, either. It just caused a different type of excruciating pain. To top it off, every move I make causes me to feel as though I’m going to vomit. Needless to say, I am SO sick and tired of this pain and feeling this way.

I am FAR from a junkie. I don’t even like to freakin’ take Tylenol when I have a headache. (Speaking of which, I’ve had a migraine for three days.) This guy talked down to me in a way that I have not experienced since the abuse my ex, Marc, used to dish out. I realize this might sound stupid to some people, but I don’t even care. The way this guy talked to me, looked down at me, and belittled me caused me to have flashbacks. (I have PTSD due to the severe abuse from my ex…and his suicide which I witnessed.) I was sitting there in that office bawling my brains out. The guy wouldn’t let up. He just kept going with his accusatory tone and insulting questions and statements.

Well, he eventually left the room…at which time I had a mini nervous breakdown. I was crying so hard that I could barely breath. I was at the point of hyperventilation. It was not a fun time. Lonnie felt so helpless. …well, the nurse finally came in with the discharge orders. She let me know that the doctor had given me 6…SIX Vicodin to last me 11 days until my next doctor’s appointment. How the hell am I supposed to make six pills last 11 days? It was just one more way for him to show me that he thought I was just there for a fix…although I have medical records to back everything up. MRI’s, EMG’s, …you name it. Didn’t matter to this guy. He literally did everything but flat out say, “I believe that you are a junkie.” Absolutely unbelievable.

So now, here I am…the next night. I’ve eaten twice today…both times I vomited what I had eaten. The pain is just too much for me to handle. I cannot even hold food down. I’ve gotten three hours of sleep in the past 3.5 days…and I don’t see how I’ll be able to get any more sleep when I’m in this much pain. Laying down is literally excruciating. Sitting up is like torture, too. The fact that I’ve sat here and typed this out without having to get up and take a break is nothing short of a miracle.

So, Lonnie and I are going to try again tonight. I simply cannot live like this. I would NEVER, EVER think of taking my own life, but I can honestly say that this ordeal has left me feeling more depressed and suicidal than I have felt in a very, very long time. We are supposed to be able to turn to doctors when we need help. They take Hippocratic Oaths for a reason. The lack of care I’ve been subjected to around here is astounding…and you had better believe I’m reporting it to the higher-ups. I refuse to take this crap laying down. Something MUST be done about it. I cannot stand the thought of someone else going through anything similar to this.

The time has come for us to head out to the ER…again. If it happens again, I don’t know what I’ll do. Honestly. I just cannot take it. I’m very emotionally fragile right now. I’m hoping and praying that I will finally get someone who cares about me as a person with feelings.