Since My Opera is still doing it’s “I’m not going to work properly” routine, I had decided to write a small entry over here on my site for once in a long while. Well, when I opened CuteFTP Pro so I could upload a couple graphics to include in the entry, I’m not able to connect to the server. When will these technical issues cease?!  I’m seriously just so sick and tired of web pages timing out, being full of errors, and not doing anything close to what they’re supposed to be doing. It’s like technology as a whole is conspiring against me!

Okay, maybe that’s a bit paranoid, but still…I’m tired of it! I know I’m not the only one. There are plenty of people over on My Opera who are griping about the same things. It’s very frustrating that they haven’t really said what the issue is…it’s like we’re just supposed to wonder or something. UNLESS they have mentioned it somewhere, but I’ve failed to see it. I wouldn’t be too surprised if that’s the case…but I’d also not be overly surprised if it’s not the case.

Meh…whatever. I just needed to vent some frustration before I ended up kicking something.

On a different note - I have decided not to take this site down! I’ll continue to post here when I feel like it. I can’t promise how regularly that will be…but it will happen. It will definitely happen more and more if My Opera continues to take a cyber dump all over the Net.

Maybe I’ll go edit a Random Person of The Day© picture and post it. I’m basically trying to kill some time while I wait for Lonnie to finish up what he’s doing. Once he’s done, we’re going to watch a movie. I’m not sure which one, but we now have HBO, Cinemax, Starz, Encore, and Showtime, so there had better be something on! I won’t hold my breath, though. My luck with these sorts of things has gone down the crapper lately.

Okay…I’m going to zip it now. Sorry for being such a Negative Nessy. I will do my best to keep the griping to a minimum…but I’m not perfect.

 • I’m not going to lie. I’m not happy today…nor have I been lately. Lot’s of stressful stuff is going on and it seems as though Murphy’s Law is totally taking over my life. I’m hoping this will pass soon, but just in case, I’ve prepared myself for the worse. I’m going to be making an appointment with my doctor later today so I can get in there and get my meds increased and also get additional meds that I’m supposed to be taking, but have been too stubborn to do so. It’s finally catching up with me, and it feels totally crappy.

• I did my Bender Ball work-out early this morning. It felt really good. I’m the kind of person who likes to feel physical pain when I’m in emotional pain, so the burn from the work-out felt better than it normally would. It’s kinda odd to be working out when I want to hurt myself rather than doing the other junk I used to do. Much healthy, but still…feels really different.
• I’m currently listening to Danzig II: Lucifuge. Good album. I’m not a really hardcore Danzig fan by any means, but I’ve always gotten a lot out of this album.
• Spring Break is all next week. No school for the kids! Yay! That means I get to sleep in for another week! I’m such a sleep-a-holic lately!
• I thought it was going to be sunny today, but once again Mother Nature faked me out. The nerve! I suppose I don’t mind too much. My lawn, flowers, and plants all need water and not having to pay to give it to them is nice. I cannot believe how much they charge for water around here. It’s more than double what it was in Montana. It makes absolutely no sense to me. It rains on a nearly constant basis here and we live right by the freakin’ ocean…and the Columbia river is huge and runs right through here. There’s water everywhere…yet we’re paying for it as though it’s nowhere. It lacks logic in all ways.
• I have zero energy today. I’m not even sure how the heck I mustered up enough energy to do my work-out. There’s a ton of stuff I’m supposed to be doing right now, but I SO don’t feel like doing it. I barely feel like writing this Randomness!
• Wow…I’m really coming off as emo today. Oh well. Not every day can be sunshine and rainbows. Although a little sunshine might help my mood a bit!
• I’ve decided that I love cupcakes. I don’t care about eating them…I just love the way they look. They are so adorable! I added a TON of stuff to my wishlist over on Wishroll…most of which has a cupcake theme going on. Necklaces, socks, bracelets, earrings, bedding, towels…you name it. Why can’t I ever do anything in moderation?!
• I apologize for being such a downer today. At least I’m not fake, though. This is me…take it or leave it. I’ve been saying that a lot lately. I have been made to feel pretty inadequate on so many different levels as of late, so I think it’s getting to me. My whole “Take it or leave it” attitude is essentially me saying, “I give up. I am throwing up my hands. If you don’t like me or what I’m doing, that’s your choice. I cannot convince you otherwise, nor do I even have the energy to try anymore.” Like I said - this will pass. It’s just a matter of time. Hopefully not TOO much time.
• Since I’m a total pisser today, I’m going to stop typing now. I see no point when everything I say leads back to the same thing: I feel crappy. Don’t worry about me or anything…I will be just fine. It takes more than this to get the better of me.

I received an email from my daughter’s school a few minutes ago. Here’s what it said:

Yesterday a 13 year old girl from the Middle School who was walking home from softball practice was asked by a man in a car if she wanted a ride home. She did not know this person and said, “No.” He said something about it being okay to get into his car, and she repeated, “No.” He then drove away. She described the car to police as a “beat up” red VW Jetta. She described the man as heavy-set, balding, and looking not clean.

Please take the opportunity to remind your children of the “stranger danger” skills that you have taught them. Younger students can find it extremely difficult sometimes to refuse to do what an adult tells them to do.

I live in a small suburb with the population of about 6,000. I think that because this is such a small community, everyone gets to feeling a bit too comfortable. I see kids from my daughter’s school walking to and from school all by themselves on a daily basis. Her school only goes from Kindergarten to 3rd grade. To me, allowing your young child to walk to and from school all alone like that is asking for trouble. We should be able to do that without having to worry…this is FAR from a perfect world, though. We, as parents, must protect our children at all costs.

The email I got freaked me out. I’m so happy that the girl didn’t go with the guy, but will the next girl be as smart/lucky? I hope so, but hoping only gets a person so far.

As most of you know, I personally walk my daughter to and from school every single day. I realize that I’m lucky to be able to do that since lots of Moms and Dads work outside of the home and aren’t able to be there at those times of day. In those cases, I think it’d be a really good idea for parents to arrange for another parent to accompany their child to and from school for them. Yes, it might be uncomfortable to ask another parent to help ‘em out like that, but wouldn’t it be worth the discomfort to know that your child is safe? I believe so.

I could carry on about this stuff for days. It’s just so frustrating to see these tiny kids walking all alone every day. I think the people around here think that because we’re such a small community, it’s safe. Nothing could be further from the truth. Crime doesn’t only happen in the heart of the city.

In order to know what’s going on in my community, I have been a member of the Family Watchdog site for a few years. It’s a wonderful site. They send out emails every single time a registered offender moves into the area. Not just sex offenders…felons of all sorts. It feels good to get these updates because I have more of an idea where the offenders are living in relation to my house. I highly recommend signing up for their service if you haven’t already.

I’m not sure if it’s only good for the US, but I would certainly assume so. If you live outside of the US, you should be able to find a similar service in your country. I have no idea how the laws in other countries are - if offenders are even required to register. If not, I hope they change that fact and force all of these people to register.

I’m going to be really emo for a bit, so if you have a problem with that, stop reading right now. If you continue reading, don’t you dare even write me a comment telling me how pathetic I am or I will hunt you down and disembowel you with a big plastic candycane.

Anyway - here’s my issue: My weight. I was in a decent mood today…jolly as usual for this time of year. Then I decided to get on the scale for the first time in like two weeks. Big mistake. I’ve been eating gingerbread cookies and splurging a bit more than I would normally allow myself to. I am not about to tell you how much I weigh, so don’t bother asking. I also don’t want to hear how I’m being ridiculous because I allegedly look good. While I appreciate the compliments, they will go in one ear and out the other -so to speak. I really do appreciate the support of my friends, but right now I just need to vent this before I freak out and beat the fuck out of myself.

I haven’t gained some huge amount of weight or anything, but enough to sicken myself. I guess that doesn’t take too much since I pretty much hated myself to begin with. The thing is, though, that I really was happy with my weight and felt good over the summer. I was wearing short skirts, tank tops…etc. without feeling fat at all. I looked fairly decent. Yeah - I could have probably stood to lose a couple more pounds, but oh well. I was okay with me. I’m 34 and have popped out two kids. I cannot expect to look totally perfect.

Here we are today, though. I hate being in my own skin. I am seriously on the verge of tears and just feel like I want to be able to escape my own body. I look in the mirror and can’t even stand looking at what I see, so I immediately turn away in total disgust. I hate my body so much right now. Now that I’ve packed a few pounds on, I have got to get it off ASAFP. I cannot tolerate feeling like this everyday. I’m going to exercise like a mad woman and totally go on the straight and narrow. No more goodies for this fatass. I don’t give a shit what time of the year it is, there is no excuse for letting myself go. I’m so upset with me right now. I’ve honestly not felt this level of self-loathing in about a year and I don’t know how the Hell to handle it. My first reaction is to physically hurt myself. I feel like slamming my head into a wall or cutting this fat right off of my body. Yeah - I’m not mentally stable and never claimed to be, so please don’t tell me I need help.

The fact that the 6th anniversary of my ex’s death was yesterday only makes this issue seem bigger. I’m super depressed right now and don’t know that I can continue to be the jolly one today. I only told one person yesterday (Thanks for being there for me, J. I love you.) that it was my ex’s death date because I don’t like to be a downer nor the center of attention…unless it’s for a good reason. Every winter leading up to December 8th, I can feel myself plummeting into the pit of sadness and anguish. The flashbacks get worse, the scent of gun powder comes back, the being startled at the smallest things…etc. It all comes rushing back every winter. I mean, it’s always there with me, but it gets REALLY bad at this time of year. I do my very best to ignore it and concentrate on all the Christmas stuff…etc., but damn. A person can only ignore such a horrific thing for so long. I’m lonely inside of my own head because I don’t have the heart enough to burden the people in my life with my problems. Nobody - including family realizes that I’m even going through this. I will mention my ex’s death and then I’m told that I need to not let it get to me - “Don’t concentrate on it.” Yeah, okay. How about you enter an cruelly abusive relationship, stay in it for two torturous years, and then witness your abuser who you were convinced you were in love with put a 357 Magnum in his mouth and pull the trigger and then have someone tell you to simply concentrate on other things. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. Guys who saw their buddies being shot in Vietnam weren’t told to “get over it”, so why the fuck am I supposed to just “get over” seeing the same sort of thing?

Yeah, okay…so I started out whining about my weight issue and now it has blown up into me whining about my ex’s death. I’m sorry. My thoughts are everywhere and I cannot seem to get them to settle down for some reason. Typing this out is helping, though. It feels like I had a big, giant zit and I just squeezed some of the pus out. Lovely mental image, huh? Sorry - it’s all I could come up with and sometimes I’m tactless.

Anyway - Lonnie just saw me sitting her bawling like an idiot and asked me what was wrong. I totally lost it. Bawling to the point of hyperventilation. He told me that I look beautiful..etc. etc. etc. … Of course, that doesn’t help in the least. I mean, I hope he really feels that way and isn’t just saying it, but it doesn’t help me feel less like a fat pig. He told me that I’m totally overreacting to this weight gain and made me tell him how much I have gained. When I told him, he rolled his eyes and said that I can lose that in no time. Bullshit. Putting it on takes no time. Losing it takes for-fucking-ever. I told him that I’m not going to be eating for a while and he freaked out…of course. That’s how I normally lose weight, though. Yeah, I know - not healthy. I don’t give a shit. I would rather be thin than healthy. I’m shallow. But I’m honest, too. And yes - I’ve had eating disorders. Anorexia landed me in the hospital about 10 years ago. I don’t need a lecture about it, though. I’m a pretty intelligent person, so I’m well aware of all the harm I would be doing to my body by starving it. I’m very stubborn, so getting through to me is harder than getting through to a brick. Don’t worry. I won’t starve myself or resort to barfing this time, okay? I’ll simply work my ass off, cut out ALL unhealthy food - including Nutella, and reduce my portions like a mo-fo. Lonnie would never let me do it in an unhealthy way. He really looks out for me - hence my level of fondness for him. I’m madly in love. *pitter patter goes my heart*

Now that anyone reading this thinks I’m 100% crazy, I’m going to shut up. And you’re right - I am crazy. I’m okay with that, though. That’s one of the only things about me that I’m really okay with. I have no idea why, but there you have it. Thanks for hanging in there with me while I vent all of my issues. I’ll get back on track sooner or later. :rolleyes: