As some of you may know, I’ve been going through a medical nightmare lately. I suppose I should briefly explain what’s been going on so that I don’t get a gazillion messages asking me if I’m dying or whatever. Sooo…here’s the dealio:

In April of 2005, Lonnie and I were in our Ford Explorer traveling North up Main Street in Billings, Montana. The traffic light turned yellow far enough in advance for Lonnie to know that if he had attempted to make it through, he would have run a red light. In order to remain a law abiding citizen, he applied the breaks and we came to a stop at the red light. Before we even knew what the heck was going on, we heard a very loud horn blow and then Lonnie yelled something…I can’t recall what. I’m assuming it was something like, “Brace yourself!”…or something to that affect.

Well, the jackass who was driving a fully loaded cattle semi-truck behind us failed to pay attention and he nailed the ass-end of our vehicle. The driver of the truck attempted to drop the clutch and do whatever he could to keep from hitting us, but it didn’t work. As a matter of fact, the dropping of the clutch made matters worse. It caused the semi to hit us repeatedly. Kinda like a skipping hit…thump…thump…thump…until he finally stopped.

The end result was not pretty. Lucky for the driver of the semi, my kids were not in the vehicle at the time. Had they been in there, I would probably be in prison for murder right now. Lonnie and I ended up with some not-so-fun injuries, though. Both of us have herniated disks, bulging disks, degenerative disk disease…and I am lucky enough to have some pretty bad nerve damage as well. So yeah…we’re constantly in pain. We’ve been to countless doctors from Montana, Oregon, and now Washington for these issues. I am absolutely disgusted with the medical field. Truly disheartened, sickened, and utterly amazed at the lack of care we’ve gotten for our injuries.

This brings me to today…yesterday, and pretty much the past week. I’m not exactly sure what caused my injuries to flare up, but they have. I’m used to dealing with a steady amount of pain every single day. I’ve grown accustomed to it, really. I even have muscle loss, weakness, and numbness throughout my entire left arm and hand. This is due to the nerve damage. I’ve learned to compensate for these injuries in other ways. Although I’m left-handed and it’s my left arm/hand which is affected, I’ve done pretty well with learning to do things with my right arm and hand.

ANYWAY, back to why I’m even bothering to write this. I went to the ER last night due to the fact that I’m in immense pain and cannot hold any food or liquid down for the past two days. The pain is so intense that it’s causing me to be nauseated constantly. I’m even taking Phenergan for the nausea, but it’s not working. It got to the point where I couldn’t sit up without being in excruciating pain and laying down wasn’t any relief, either. It just caused a different type of excruciating pain. To top it off, every move I make causes me to feel as though I’m going to vomit. Needless to say, I am SO sick and tired of this pain and feeling this way.

Lonnie and I went to the ER last night in hopes that I would FINALLY get some relief from these symptoms for me. Big freakin’ mistake on our part to think such a thing. I was seen by a doctor who clearly didn’t care for me any more than he cared for the dog poo on the bottom of his shoe. He spoke to me in such a rude, condescending, insulting, and downright accusatory way. His entire demeanor told both Lonnie and me that this guy thought I was some sort of junkie going in there in an attempt to score a fix.

I am FAR from a junkie. I don’t even like to freakin’ take Tylenol when I have a headache. (Speaking of which, I’ve had a migraine for three days.) This guy talked down to me in a way that I have not experienced since the abuse my ex, Marc, used to dish out. I realize this might sound stupid to some people, but I don’t even care. The way this guy talked to me, looked down at me, and belittled me caused me to have flashbacks. (I have PTSD due to the severe abuse from my ex…and his suicide which I witnessed.) I was sitting there in that office bawling my brains out. The guy wouldn’t let up. He just kept going with his accusatory tone and insulting questions and statements.

Well, he eventually left the room…at which time I had a mini nervous breakdown. I was crying so hard that I could barely breath. I was at the point of hyperventilation. It was not a fun time. Lonnie felt so helpless. …well, the nurse finally came in with the discharge orders. She let me know that the doctor had given me 6…SIX Vicodin to last me 11 days until my next doctor’s appointment. How the hell am I supposed to make six pills last 11 days? It was just one more way for him to show me that he thought I was just there for a fix…although I have medical records to back everything up. MRI’s, EMG’s, …you name it. Didn’t matter to this guy. He literally did everything but flat out say, “I believe that you are a junkie.” Absolutely unbelievable.

So now, here I am…the next night. I’ve eaten twice today…both times I vomited what I had eaten. The pain is just too much for me to handle. I cannot even hold food down. I’ve gotten three hours of sleep in the past 3.5 days…and I don’t see how I’ll be able to get any more sleep when I’m in this much pain. Laying down is literally excruciating. Sitting up is like torture, too. The fact that I’ve sat here and typed this out without having to get up and take a break is nothing short of a miracle.

So, Lonnie and I are going to try again tonight. I simply cannot live like this. I would NEVER, EVER think of taking my own life, but I can honestly say that this ordeal has left me feeling more depressed and suicidal than I have felt in a very, very long time. We are supposed to be able to turn to doctors when we need help. They take Hippocratic Oaths for a reason. The lack of care I’ve been subjected to around here is astounding…and you had better believe I’m reporting it to the higher-ups. I refuse to take this crap laying down. Something MUST be done about it. I cannot stand the thought of someone else going through anything similar to this.

The time has come for us to head out to the ER…again. If it happens again, I don’t know what I’ll do. Honestly. I just cannot take it. I’m very emotionally fragile right now. I’m hoping and praying that I will finally get someone who cares about me as a person with feelings.

I just got off the phone with my Dad. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I type this.  For those of you who don’t know, my Dad had surgery last Thursday.  He’s been living without the use of the lower chamber of his heart for a few years…AKA heart failure.  People who have heart failure tend to develop enlarged hearts - which is a very bad thing. The more enlarged the heart becomes, the more weak it is.

The surgery my Dad just had is a very new procedure. He volunteered to have  it done…basically to be a guinea pig. He’s the 233nd person in the entire world to have it done. What they do is go in and put a mesh type of bag around the heart. This bag prevents the heart from enlarging…therefore increasing the life span of patients.

The surgery went very well. The doctors said it couldn’t have gone better.  :)  Of course, I’m very happy to be able to say that. My Dad is my hero, my best friend, and one of the few people on the planet who I have genuine respect and admiration for.  In other words, he means the world to me.  The thought of losing my Dad physically hurts. I know that I will probably have to deal with that one day…after all, parents tend to pass on before their children do. I have no idea how I’m going to handle it. I actually can’t think about it for more than a couple minutes or I’ll freak out and start bawling.

Anyway, now that you know what my Dad just went through and how much he means to me, it’s time for me to vent a little. Please forgive me for dumping my problems on you…writing things out has always been the best emotional outlet for me.

As I previously stated, I just got off the phone with my Dad. He is feeling like total shit. He said, “If I would have known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have agreed to have this done.”  He’s in an unreal amount of pain. He’s on pain pills and everything, but still…having your chest sawed open is going to hurt like Hell.  He has a build up of phlegm in his lungs…which is very common after this type of surgery. The doctors have him doing breathing exercises and whatnot to ensure that he won’t get Pneumonia.  Although the exercises are painful and a pain in the keister, he’s doing them. The last thing he needs is Pneumonia on top of everything else.

My Dad has a girlfriend. They have been together for…*thinking*…about 16 or 17 years, I think. At one time, they had talked about getting married, but it never happened. I have no idea why, and I’ve never asked. It’s not my business. I will refrain from using his girlfriend’s name because…well, just because. It doesn’t really matter, but hey - just in case he or she stumbles upon my blog, I’d hate for either of them to get upset. The chances of that happening are very slim, but you never know.

Anyway, my Dad’s girlfriend is a very strong woman. You could say that she wears the pants in the relationship. That’s kinda how my Mom was with him, too. Maybe that’s where I get it from…liking to be with dominant people. I said to my Dad, “I assume that _____ is making sure that you’re doing all of your exercises and everything.”  He said something like, “You could certainly say that!”  Then he proceeded to tell me that he and his girlfriend had gotten into a “screaming match” yesterday. (Yesterday was his first day at home after the surgery.)  I asked him what the heck happened. Here’s what he said…

Apparently ____ has been feeling taken for granted and/or unappreciated.  My Dad said that she got all up in his grill because he’s not being very good about thanking her for the things she’s doing to take care of him. He said that he explained to her that he’s just in A LOT of pain, so he’s not exactly in his right mind and that he can’t stop and thank her everytime she does something for him.  He said that he told her that he really does appreciate all that she has done and is doing to take care of him, but he’s simply hurting and not doing so well.  That’s understandable, right?  I think so.

Apparently his explanation wasn’t good enough for _____.  My Dad told me that they got into such a heated argument that lasted for a while…he said that he was having a difficult time breathing afterwards.  :cry:  He said, “I think we got it all sorted out, but it was ugly for a while.”  Now, I ask you…am I wrong to be upset about this?  I’m still sitting here crying…picturing my Dad in a screaming match with ____ days after having heart surgery. The mental image is killing me inside. I can barely contain my anxiety over the matter. I so badly want to be there for my Dad…and take care of him.  I wouldn’t care if he ever said, “Thank you” or showed appreciation. It’s not about me. It’s about my Dad and his recovery.

My heart hurts…my throat has a lump in it.  I so badly want to call ____ or write to her and ask her to cut my Dad some slack…but I know if I did that, she would probably take it out on my Dad for telling me what happened.  There’s nothing I can do but sit here and feel helpless.  I would give almost anything to be able to be in there taking care of my Dad. I HATE the fact that I was here to help Lonnie’s Dad through his quintuple bypass surgery, but I cannot be there for my own Dad during his heart surgery. I’m plagued by guilt and anxiety.

The thing is, I don’t dislike my Dad’s girlfriend. She’s actually a nice person with a big heart. It’s just that she can be pretty harsh at times. There have been times in the past where I was brought to tears due to her mistreatment of my Dad. She tends to talk down to him and that really bothers me. I cannot stand to hear someone talk to my Dad that way. It’s not like it’s a constant thing or anything…but the fact that it happens at all bugs the heck out of me.  Nobody is perfect, though, and I realize that. I guess I just hold my Dad up so high on a pedestal that when someone isn’t treating him perfectly well, I kinda freak out and get overly upset about it. I’m very protective.

I guess that’s all I have to say on the matter. I feel kinda guilty for coming off like I dislike _____ or something. I don’t…not at all. I just dislike how she talks to my Dad at times….and especially right now. The last thing anyone who has just gone through heart surgery needs is a verbal altercation. The stress of that type of thing is NOT good for anyone…but especially not for someone who’s just been through such an invasive procedure.

*sigh*  Okay, I’m going to shut up about it now. I just had to vent my feelings so that they won’t affect me throughout the rest of the day.  I will continue to post updates as to how my Dad is doing.  If you are the praying type, PLEASE include my Dad in your next prayer.  He’s in a lot of pain…he feels absolutely horrible.  He could really use a relief from the pain.

Thank you for hanging in there with me while I vented. I feel a little better.  :)

Since My Opera is still doing it’s “I’m not going to work properly” routine, I had decided to write a small entry over here on my site for once in a long while. Well, when I opened CuteFTP Pro so I could upload a couple graphics to include in the entry, I’m not able to connect to the server. When will these technical issues cease?!  I’m seriously just so sick and tired of web pages timing out, being full of errors, and not doing anything close to what they’re supposed to be doing. It’s like technology as a whole is conspiring against me!

Okay, maybe that’s a bit paranoid, but still…I’m tired of it! I know I’m not the only one. There are plenty of people over on My Opera who are griping about the same things. It’s very frustrating that they haven’t really said what the issue is…it’s like we’re just supposed to wonder or something. UNLESS they have mentioned it somewhere, but I’ve failed to see it. I wouldn’t be too surprised if that’s the case…but I’d also not be overly surprised if it’s not the case.

Meh…whatever. I just needed to vent some frustration before I ended up kicking something.

On a different note - I have decided not to take this site down! I’ll continue to post here when I feel like it. I can’t promise how regularly that will be…but it will happen. It will definitely happen more and more if My Opera continues to take a cyber dump all over the Net.

Maybe I’ll go edit a Random Person of The Day© picture and post it. I’m basically trying to kill some time while I wait for Lonnie to finish up what he’s doing. Once he’s done, we’re going to watch a movie. I’m not sure which one, but we now have HBO, Cinemax, Starz, Encore, and Showtime, so there had better be something on! I won’t hold my breath, though. My luck with these sorts of things has gone down the crapper lately.

Okay…I’m going to zip it now. Sorry for being such a Negative Nessy. I will do my best to keep the griping to a minimum…but I’m not perfect.

 • I’m not going to lie. I’m not happy today…nor have I been lately. Lot’s of stressful stuff is going on and it seems as though Murphy’s Law is totally taking over my life. I’m hoping this will pass soon, but just in case, I’ve prepared myself for the worse. I’m going to be making an appointment with my doctor later today so I can get in there and get my meds increased and also get additional meds that I’m supposed to be taking, but have been too stubborn to do so. It’s finally catching up with me, and it feels totally crappy.

• I did my Bender Ball work-out early this morning. It felt really good. I’m the kind of person who likes to feel physical pain when I’m in emotional pain, so the burn from the work-out felt better than it normally would. It’s kinda odd to be working out when I want to hurt myself rather than doing the other junk I used to do. Much healthy, but still…feels really different.
• I’m currently listening to Danzig II: Lucifuge. Good album. I’m not a really hardcore Danzig fan by any means, but I’ve always gotten a lot out of this album.
• Spring Break is all next week. No school for the kids! Yay! That means I get to sleep in for another week! I’m such a sleep-a-holic lately!
• I thought it was going to be sunny today, but once again Mother Nature faked me out. The nerve! I suppose I don’t mind too much. My lawn, flowers, and plants all need water and not having to pay to give it to them is nice. I cannot believe how much they charge for water around here. It’s more than double what it was in Montana. It makes absolutely no sense to me. It rains on a nearly constant basis here and we live right by the freakin’ ocean…and the Columbia river is huge and runs right through here. There’s water everywhere…yet we’re paying for it as though it’s nowhere. It lacks logic in all ways.
• I have zero energy today. I’m not even sure how the heck I mustered up enough energy to do my work-out. There’s a ton of stuff I’m supposed to be doing right now, but I SO don’t feel like doing it. I barely feel like writing this Randomness!
• Wow…I’m really coming off as emo today. Oh well. Not every day can be sunshine and rainbows. Although a little sunshine might help my mood a bit!
• I’ve decided that I love cupcakes. I don’t care about eating them…I just love the way they look. They are so adorable! I added a TON of stuff to my wishlist over on Wishroll…most of which has a cupcake theme going on. Necklaces, socks, bracelets, earrings, bedding, towels…you name it. Why can’t I ever do anything in moderation?!
• I apologize for being such a downer today. At least I’m not fake, though. This is me…take it or leave it. I’ve been saying that a lot lately. I have been made to feel pretty inadequate on so many different levels as of late, so I think it’s getting to me. My whole “Take it or leave it” attitude is essentially me saying, “I give up. I am throwing up my hands. If you don’t like me or what I’m doing, that’s your choice. I cannot convince you otherwise, nor do I even have the energy to try anymore.” Like I said - this will pass. It’s just a matter of time. Hopefully not TOO much time.
• Since I’m a total pisser today, I’m going to stop typing now. I see no point when everything I say leads back to the same thing: I feel crappy. Don’t worry about me or anything…I will be just fine. It takes more than this to get the better of me.